Letting Go

April 20, 2007

It’s been 10 days.
Even though I’m still thinking about what has happened,
I know everything gotto go.

Now, there’s no way I can know anything about how she’s doing.
There’s no way that I can contact her.
Yes I can contact her but I doubt she’ll answer my call.
And I guess I won’t have the guts and courage to dial her number.

I am still thinking, and will still be thinking.
It’s all about letting it go.
I know that I’ve already let go.

But just let my mind hold on to the tiny thread that’s still lingering.


10th April 2007

April 10, 2007

1 year ago on this very day,
something happened.
both were so happy.

1 year later on this very day,
today.
here i am alone,
feeling sad.

i decided to check our blog if there is still any update.
never have i ever thought that our blog will be delete.
the more heartbreaking was their’s still around.

am i really forgotten?
i thought not,
but i am actually.

i guess there’s nothing for me to write anything here anymore.
all will only be my memories of heartache.

joy is never a word for huairen and pianzi.

goodbye my love.


Friday

March 16, 2007

Sadly, I just reminded myself it’s Friday.


Guess What?

March 13, 2007

Only 29 days left.
Yet I don’t see anything from you.

Did you write anything in our blog?
I really wanted to go look at it.
Yet I don’t want you to know that I looked at it.
I don’t want you to know that I still think of you.

At the same time…
I don’t want to go look at it.
I’m so afraid that after waiting for so long,
Going into the blog and all I see was…
Nothing.
I’m so afraid that when I look at it there’s nothing inside.
And you have long forgotten about me.

The day is getting nearer.
But I suppose you don’t know what it means to me.

It will always be in my heart.


The Stuffs About Maple

February 25, 2007

Been wanting to write something here the past 2 weeks.
However, whenever I want to this page, I just close it.
I can’t find anything to write here.
Everything is just so stagnant.

All I can say is that I’m just monitoring if you are still alive.
It’s always nice to know that you are safe and sound at home.

Anyway, checked my bank account and noticed a transfer from you.
You still selling Maple items and giving me half of the profit.

Should I be sad or glad?
I really don’t know.

 Only less then 2 months left.
I’m so afraid that I will finally have to let go.


Happy Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine’s Day.
Baby.


Temptation

February 10, 2007

I am very tempted to take a look at the blog.
Always wondering if it’s updated.

Baby, do you do think of me?
Do you?


1 Month Passed

February 3, 2007

It’s been 1 month since we last contacted each other.
And the last one didn’t even end on a good note.

The record will be broken after today.

Will I get a call?
Will I get a SMS?
Will I get to see her?
Will I ever hear her again?

I still have a few more weeks left.


Past Conversation

January 28, 2007

I think you are right. Maybe without you, I will sink.

Hehe, I’m you life buoy horh.

Sorry… But I didn’t choose you to be… it just happens.

It’s okay la… no worries.
Btw, I’m willing to be your life buoy.
Just don’t hang on so tight k, I will sink too de.

Will you be able to be there for me forever?

Forever is a long time…
I hope I’m strong enough for you.

However everything was over.
Everything sank.


Stucked?

January 26, 2007

If stuck, just wiggle your way thru.
Surely if you try hard enough, you can get out of the deep shithole.
Even though there maybe hiccups, but dont give in so easily.

The shithole have nothing for you.
Just get out.

I still remember she doesn’t like to be associated with shit


Am I?

January 24, 2007

Am I over her already?

Have I finally got over what I wanted to?

Must it be because of knowing I should?
Or because of the appearance of someone else?

Both ways, I hate it.


Keys

January 22, 2007

As I was walking back home from the supermarket,
I played around with my keys.
I suddenly thought of her.

I wanted to write my thoughts out, but decided not to.

All I can say is…
I guess it doesn’t bother her.
Less does all these matters to her anymore.

I suddenly felt I’m all out of her life.

I wanted to take a look at our blog.
I wanted to do it so much.
But I just don’t want to let her know I’m still thinking of her.

So what if she did update the blog?
And so what if she didn’t?
It all makes no difference.

It’s all over for me baby…


What Are You Doing?

January 20, 2007

Everytime when it comes to the weekend,
I always wonder what are you doing.

I always check the forum if you were online.
Check Maple to see whether you are playing.
Take a look at MSN whether you are on.

Nowaday, you are on MSN, even thru the night.
I know you were sleeping.
I know you seldom make yourself seen on MSN.
And when you do, it’s always that you are talking to someone.
That someone is no longer me.

From the forum, I got to know you spent last friday playing mahjong.
I heard of the incident that happened.
I hoped it won’t happen anymore.

I wonder what are you doing.
Are you sleeping?
Are you playing mahjong?
Are you clubbing?
Are you out with your friends?
Or… are you out with him?

I’m in no position to know anything.


Would You Like Your BF To Send You Home?

January 19, 2007

Saw this thread in a forum which she answered.

The question goes like this:
Would you like your BF to send you home?

Her answer:
Gotta send me home. It’s his privilege!

I thought about it.
I recalled back.
Most of the time when we go out, far from her place,
sometimes, even though near her place,
she wouldn’t allow me to send her home.
She will say that it’s still early or late or it’s too troublesome.
I only managed to send her home a few times.

I guess I’m not her BF afterall.
I’m not the privilege one.


$3 From Her

January 17, 2007

I logged into my internet banking account and saw a $3 transfer from  her.
Immediately I knew she sold something off Maple Story and half the profit goes to me.
As she promised.

I made a check on her Yahoo Auctions.
Yes indeed.
My Int+5 Orange Calas was sold for $6.

I logged into the game to check if the Calas was still there.
It’s gone.

I was feeling unwell today.
Was having flu and my head hurts.

Something that I don’t wanna do when I woke up today.
I thought of her again.
I thought of us cooking together at her place.
Chicken soup to be exact.
I thought of myself cooking the soup without adding onions,
only reminded by her that she didn’t have onions at her place when we were cooking.
All those small little actions I recalled.
She behind me, hugging me while I was stirring the pasta, egg, soup.
I loved that feeling.
Me giving her a kiss.
I missed those feelings.

I missed those times.


In The Rain

January 14, 2007

Was walking back home amidst the rain.
I unknowingly thought about her.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling.
Was it disappointment?
Was it wanting?
Was it regrets?
Was it longing?
Was it hoping?

When I went to bed.
I unknowingly thought about her.
I told myself.
“She never gonna be.”
“You will never see her again.”
“Nothing’s gonna be what you wanted.”
“Everything gone back the same way whatever had happened.”
“It just goes back to square one again.”
“Forget about her.”

And my tears just flow.


Her MSN Wrote…

January 12, 2007

我们是两个错的人,在对的时间。

But is it refering to me?

If it is…
Then indeed.
But I never put myself as the one even if I’m her one.
I know it can never be, never will be.

Maybe is should also be,
我们是两个对的人,再错的时间。

Both ways, I guess it’s much the same.
Same outcome.


10th

January 10, 2007

Today is the 10th.

I wanted to do alot of things on the 10th.
But there are so many reasons why I am not able to fulfil what I wanted to do.

It’s been 9 months.
9 months isn’t long nor short.
Alot of effort has been put into these 9 months.
But in the end?
Everything became zilch.

I guess she’s really happier this way.

I just wish I can say,
“Happy 9 months Baby.”


I’m Deleted

January 9, 2007

I checked if she’s playing.
Yes she was.
But she wasn’t shown up on my list.

I made a check.
Yes.
I’m deleted.

I lost.

I’m very disappointed.


Sleepless In Tampines

January 7, 2007

I can’t get to sleep last night.
It was either too hot or it’s my headache.

I thought about what a mess my 2006 was.
Rather,
I messed up 2006.
I messed up my life.
I was feeling miserable.
I wanted to tell somebody how I felt.
I nearly did that.
But I thought I shouldn’t anymore.

I always wondered what if I never met you.
Will my life be like this too?

Oh well, maybe it’s just myself.

Just let me be myself.
Sunk into this never ending dugged up trench.


Friday

January 5, 2007

The silly one keeps checking up on her.
Checking whether she’s home already anot.
Less did he remember that today’s Friday.

Silly boy, today’s Friday.


Silly

January 3, 2007

I felt so silly.

I called her and asked her.
“Are you still with him?”

The answer was “Yes”.
Yes she’s still with him.

What am I to her?
But she said, “To you I am a senseless deed.”

She doesn’t like to lose.
But in love, does everyone have to win?
I don’t mind losing if she say she loves me.
If she says I’m someone special to her.
If she says I’m her Huairen.
If she says I’m her baby.

I felt so silly asking her a question that I know what the answer will be.

In the end, I’m just nothing to her.
To her, she’s just tired of me asking who am I to her.

I told her not to ever contact me again.

At this point of time I had enough.
But I know, I still won’t be able to forget about her.
Even if I made my heart steel,
I still won’t able to forget about her.

I hate myself.


Are You Avoiding Me?

January 3, 2007

She found me in Aqulia.
She asked me, “Are you avoiding me?”

All she wanted to to ask me was did I help her train to 90%.
That was all she wanted to know.

I gave in to easily.

I didn’t want to lose her.
How am I able to pull myself up to get out of this?
I simply just can’t forget about her.

I still love her.


Japanese Lesson

January 3, 2007

I remembered that her japanese lesson is starting soon.
Soon she will be even more busy.

Hopefully she’s able to get her japanese lessons thru.


Delphinus

January 2, 2007

She called.
I never answer.
She then SMS.
She wanted to check if I helped her level her Delphinus character to 90%
I didn’t reply either.

But I’m glad.
I thought I failed.
I thought 1st Jan 2007 was the dateline.
I just checked it and found out it was 3rd Jan 2007.
Aleast she’s able to get the Delphinus Bandana.

My efforts not wasted.

Not wasted, I guess.
I guess only.


The Truth

January 1, 2007

The truth is…
How am I able to forget her?

I just can’t do.
I just can’t forget her.

God… please help me…